Oh where do I begin? I'm sitting here listening to church because no one wanted to go. I've been trying to get us to go as a family for almost 2 months. I just decided to listen to it on my own. I can't make my husband want to go. It's crazy because he was the one that wanted to go before and it just stopped. But anyway...I'm taking care of me and my needs in that regard. Back to my creed - I can only change myself, not others.
Oh...so now as I listen to the music which usually feels so freeing, I'm freeing out my pain and just crying. Crying because there is so much I did not emotionally deal with in the past and now that I am dealing with the recent betrayal (without doing it back) I'm feeling every bit of pain and anger that I had buried so deep. I'm very outwardly focused in the fact that I am remembering the things that he did to me. I'm slow to remember the things that I did to him. I guess I'm on the watch to see if he has changed...I just want to know sooner than later and not allow him to hurt me like that again. I just don't trust him. Sometimes I just want to be alone. Sometimes I just want to run away. I don't know and I am so confused. I'm looking for answers that I know can only come by making a move. The move of either attempting to move forward or moving on alone. I think my biggest issue is that I don't let go of things, but the biggest thing of that is I don't take betrayal lightly. UGHHH I wonder if I will ever get past this???
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