My life as a mom, career woman, and wife.

So much has happened - The Big Ones First

2011-05-08T10:04:00.001-07:00

Ok...I have soo much to catch up on. The big girl has had a few bofriends since my last post...well more than a few...Jack, Parker, Josh, and Markus. She's growing up so big and has had some great times! Most notably, she had an awesome basketball game where she hit the winning shot against a team with a bunch of her friends on it. She was sooo excited!

The boy is now with girlfriend #2 and he is only in 2nd grade. Her name is Mason and he got her a pretty butterfly necklace for her birthday. I swear...he is growing up too fast. He is playing bball and LAX and loving it!

Almost 6 Months with a new one and watching my BIG one grow up so much

2010-10-20T11:03:00.000-07:00

Ahh...I am now almost 6 months pregnant. I've been very blessed to have a good pregnancy so far. The baby seems to be doing well and I'm not weighing much more than I did when I started (I had a few to lose to being with... : )
My oldest is doing good. She has been up and down with a boy Ty, but I think they may be winding that one down for good. Hard to tell though at this age. She seems interested in other boys, but who knows...I'd really like her to just remain single and "ride solo" for a bit. Enjoy being a 6th grader. : )
My son is doing well. He is growing up and he is as sweet to me as the day he was born. He is gaining his confidence back in football and this past weekend it showed...he had a really good game. I love them both a bunch. I can't believe I'm lucky enough to do it again with another one. : )

5 Months Prego and Daughter has her first BF

2010-09-29T13:07:00.000-07:00

WOW - Lots have happened since I last blogged.
OK - I'm now 5 months pregnant and they say it's a girl. : ) I'm feeling very good in my pregnancy and the baby is developing well. God is Good!

Also, my daughter started a relationship with a boyfriend (first one) in late August. They dated for about a month and then he decided that "having a GF was interfering with his ability to focus on football" so they broke up. Daughter was in denial at first, but has now moved into acceptance. Glad she has gotten that first one under her belt. Hoping she learns from the relationship and becomes a better, stronger girl each time she decides to get into a relationship. This one was more of a facebook/text relationship since they hardly saw each other (no kissing) so it was a good place to start...she's only 11 about to be 12!!

My daughter's First Boyfriend

2010-08-26T18:02:00.001-07:00

So my daughter has a bf now. His name is Tyler and he appears to be a nice boy. It's been going on for two weeks now.

Felt the Baby Move!

2010-08-26T18:00:00.000-07:00

Ok - yesterday I felt the baby hiccup for the first time. It was soo great to have that feeling and such a relief to know the lil one is still alive and kicking. : )

I was laying in the bath tub when all of a sudden my belly started to jump periodically. It was soo sweet and such a good moment!

How to Make it All Better!!

2010-08-09T04:44:00.000-07:00

Wow...I needed to hear this today!

God wants you to know that you attract NOT what you want, but WHO you are. If you want something to change in your life, focus on the inner, and God will take care of the outer.

Seriously...when am I going to learn that I can't change all the things around me, but I CAN ALWAYS change myself!!! AMEN!! <3 <3

Almost 13 weeks Now!

2010-08-06T06:32:00.001-07:00

Sooo...I went to the doctor this past Wednesday and they took 5 vials of blood for blood work. Then, my doctor went to check the heartbeat and couldn't hear it. Soo...I got lucky and got an early ultrasound! The ultrasound showed the baby's heartbeat is VERY strong, spine looks good, and all limbs are there! LOL It was soo awesome to get to see the baby...and such a relief to know things are progressing well. Kids were excited.
I'm feeling much better now...that nausea feeling is starting to be less frequent. Weight gain is OK. I gained 3 pounds, but I actually wanted to gain 0 since I had some to lose. : ) But all is healthy and that is the most important thing!!!

9 Weeks and Counting

2010-07-14T05:15:00.000-07:00

So yesterday, I became officially 9 weeks pregnant. Feeling pretty good so far. I don't have throw up morning sickness, but definitely that nauseated feeling if I don't eat every couple of hours. As far as weight, I started at 165 and now I'm around 161-162. I've been doing weightwatchers points to keep from over eating. Being that this is my 3rd child, I know how easy it is to gain too much weight during pregnancy. My goal is to eat healthy, not gain more than needed, and then hopefully lose it in a decent amount of time with breastfeeding. : )

Also, I had my first doctor appointment last week and it went well. They did a pap and checked my uterus and all looks well so far. Praying for a healthy baby and healthy mom!!!!

It's Official : ) I'm expecting...

2010-07-04T06:27:00.000-07:00

This past Tuesday, June 27, I found out that I am indeed pregnant. I got the results of the blood test from my doctor. By this day, I pretty much knew it was positive. I was still in a bit of shock, but slowly moving to acceptance and excitement! I told the kids and they were SOOOOOOOOOO exciting. Hubby and I told our daughter first. She was like "nuh uh" and then she said OH MY GOSH and started jumping up and down. It was soo sweet. She really would like it to be a girl...of course. : )
We went to my mom's house to tell our son (he had been visiting her that day) and he didn't believe us either. He sorda sat there and then it sunk in and he smiled and said "I hope it's a boy!". : )

This week....life changes....

2010-06-24T08:34:00.000-07:00

OH WOW....this week has been crazy.

Monday - Normal
Tuesday - Daughter started her Period; Worked a late night that night.
Wednesday - Daughter threw up sick in my friends car on the way to camp. Worked from home to take care of her. Took a pregnancy test and it was positive.
Thursday - In denial....lol

I am waiting for another week. If no period, I'll take another test....we shall see. I dont have many words because I'm in shock right now. : )

My daughter physically crosses into womanhood...

2010-06-22T22:07:00.000-07:00

June 22, in the afternoon, my daughter started her period!
WOW - It wasn't at all what I thought it would be. She didn't realize it happened because she had been swimming at the water park, but when she got home and changed, I saw her bathing suit...then I knew it happened. I immediately went outside and got her and talked to her about it. Gave her one of my pads (which were like diapers to her LOL) I let her play for a while then when she came in we made a trip to the store. Got her some pads...showed her a tampon, after a second trip to the store because she wasn't having it at first, but it's a must if you go swimming...(demonstration included!) At first she was very shy about it and didn't really want to talk about it. She eventually opened up and the whole thing brought us closer.

Catching up and Vacation!

2010-06-21T07:04:00.000-07:00

So I haven't posted for a couple of months. Lots going on in my life...I took a vacation and had a great time with my family. I enjoyed the time I spent with them. There were rocky times where I felt insecure, but overall very positive. My husband even asked me to renew vows, but I'm not ready. I'm still on my journey of full recovery. : ) Things are pretty good between us though. Definitely feeling better about the situation. Call me cautious, but I don't jump with both feet until I'm 100% sure.
I know that I need to do what my two previous posts said...keep living in the moment. No one is guranteed the next minute of your life. I can only keep pressing forward! AMEN!

2010-04-22T07:42:00.000-07:00

Ahh today's thought...
On this day of your life, God wants you to know...that all emotions grow in size when practiced regularly. Practice love to have more love, practice hate to have more hate. Practice kindness to have more kindness, practice depression to have more depression. the choice is yours as always.

WOW - Timely again! I love that!!! I needed to hear this today!!! I feel so much better...thank you GOD!!! Life is a blessing!!!

Live, Laugh, Learn, Grow, Love!

2010-04-16T08:32:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I posted anything. I am continuing on my journey of self-healing and figuring out my life. What I've known all along and what I'm finally getting through my thick skull is that you just have to live in the moment and be happy. It's funny that when you are soooo used to part of your life being a wreck, you unconscienously keep wanting to go on like that because that is what you are used to. Today, I got the following message from God:
"On this day, God wants you to know...that you can be an echo of your past, or the glory of your future. Past is connected to future through the present. At this very moment, at every moment, you are choosing to carry on the past with all its troubles on your shoulders, OR to let it go and see bright future pull you forward. Choose wisey."
WOW! Doesn't that just say it all??? I am at my peak of joy when I am full of love, optimism, faith, and family. When I'm living in the past, I'm bitter, angry, hurt, unmotivated, and self loathing...Hmmm....wonder which one I'll choose???? : )

I Love Being a Mom - My kids being sweet to each other

2010-03-27T09:33:00.001-07:00

Being a mother is THE best thing that has ever happened to me. I love my children beyond understanding. I love the scent of my sons hair and the sweet kisses he gives me and how loving and kind he is. How he looks up to his sister. I love my daughters sense of humor and playfulness. Her smile lights up a room and she has an infectious laugh. Thinking of them..I have to tell a story that happened last week...
My son had his first track meet ever. He placed 1st in the 50 and 75 and then 3rd in the 100 and 200. His sister was sooooooo proud of him after he won his first race (50) that when he completed the race he ran into her arms and she picked him up. Then, after his second race (the 200), my son was really tired, so she picked him up and put him on her back. It was the sweetest thing I had ever seen between them. : ) These are the little things that really make my heart swell with love. I love them both very much!

Taking it Day by Day...

2010-03-04T11:05:00.000-08:00

So since my last post, I cautiously write that things have gotten better. Trust is such a fragile thing, when broken it totally takes time to rebuild it...no matter what anyone says...
I'm now at the part of my journey where it's building, but I'm still trying to learn to forgive, let go, and allow myself to be vulnerable enough to fully trust him again. We are attending church regularly, and are engaged in a series called "Free". It has a book that goes along with it that is very good and helps you find what is holding you back from truly being free. The bottom line, is my past hurts (letting go) hold me back from a fully free existence. And the funny part is the more I acknowledge this and recognize it, the more I find it difficult to break completely free. But in the end, it is a decision. To. Be. Free. I know I can do it. I know I can't control anything outside of me. I know God will show me if I am going down an incorrect path. PRAY and PRAY again when you are unsure of a decision. I'm learning this is the only way to know you are going down the right road. At this point, I honestly think he is becoming a better person. I certainly know I'm a better person and sometimes, things happen in your life to push you into God's path. I think this is why things happened. God kept nudging me, and nudging me, and when I didn't listen, he smacked the crap out of me. I woke up (and as painful as it was) I shed a lot of crap from myself that was not healthy. I was almost reborn again in a sense. And THAT brings me immense joy and happiness.

How its been going...

2010-02-09T09:08:00.000-08:00

Well things have been ok. I had an emotional melt down around my birthday. My husband had good intentions for making me have a good birthday, but a disagreement in the morning had killed the mood. Dinner that weekend with another couple didn't improve things. I was, again, looking for some serious attention, and didn't feel that I was getting it. I just started spiraling into a place where I was starting to shut my feelings off. It's the only way I know how to keep myself from getting hurt. Lately, I have been a little less attentive...and of course...he has picked up on the attentiveness. Thats the pull and push of a relationship. I did come to a point this past weekend around Feb 6th where I told him, while watching a movie with a scene of infidelity, that I just wasn't OK with what happened (not that I hadn't said it before). I just exploded and told him that I didn't know if I would ever be OK with it. I really had come to the end of our marital rope. I told him that I would setup counseling again. We also agreed not to make any serious decisions yet. So Monday, he text me and told me that he loved me and that he hoped we continue to grow old and grayer together. I have to admit that it tugged at my heart and brought a few tears to my eyes. I really would like to see that happen also, but it has to be walking hand-in-hand together with the same values and same goals. We shall see...in the end, it all depends on him. I'm a better person and know that I want a good soul by my side. : ) God is my number one love and in the end I just want to be in peace with him. The rest will work itself out and it all will be according to his will.

My birthday...the Evening...A better ending

2010-01-13T10:13:00.000-08:00

Ok...so when I got home the day of my birthday, I was greeted by the fam. Kids had balloons and cards and they made a cake. It was all so sweet. Hubby made me steak, potatoes, and brocolli for dinner. It was really nice. I played Trouble and Sequence with the kids. I also played Twisted Metal with my son and then did some old school cheers with my daughter. It was overall a good night. It did start out rough...but all you can do is change the ending to make it a good one. Plan is to celebrate it this weekend too. : ) I love the kids sooo much. They were awesome. Hubby did good too in the end.

My Birthday...the Morning...

2010-01-11T08:38:00.000-08:00

So today is my birthday and I can't say that I'm 100% good right now. I stayed up most of the night last night because I could not sleep. Then this morning, I jumped all over my husband over his work cell phone being off and not on...when he had the charger at home. He said he had forgot he had it. I don't know. All I know is when I said something, he walked out and didn't say anything except, "quit starting fights". I, of course, got upset and cried. Then I just got this feeling of screw it. He then text me a couple of times. I didn't respond. Then he called and I told my daughter that I didn't want to talk to him. Eventually, I got on the phone, he asked why? and I said it was cause of the comment he made. He said bye and I hung up. Now I was upset again...I called him back and chatted. He and I argued and eventually came to a finale. My daughter observed much of this and I could tell it bothered her bad. I asked her what was wrong and she wouldn't say. UGHHH. I can't win. I don't know when I'm paranoid, right, wrong, or just hurting. The bottom line is HE CANNOT DICTATE WHEN I AM OK and how long I need to heal. I just can't take it anymore. I am tearing up writing this. Today is my birthday and it seems all messed up. The good news is my friends and other family have been FABULOUS. Tons of messages saying Happy Birthday etc. Definitely the support I needed.

2010 - A New Beginning...

2010-01-05T07:07:00.000-08:00

Wow...its been a while since I posted. So here's what has happened...New Years Eve I had a party with some great friends and family. Everything went smooth, food was great (hubby catered and brought the schafin dishes and everything!), I made cookies and brownies, and of course...there were drinks. My usuals stayed the night and we had breakfast the next morning. I LOVE my FAMILY!!! Fellowship was wonderful! Hubby and I have been doing well. Went to church this past Sunday (at his request) and the message was to "Stop fighting God". And I repeatedly get messages to just be happy...that it is OK and never hesitate to let someone know how great they are! God is A-W-E-S-O-M-E!!!

Last day of work before the Holidays!

2009-12-23T08:58:00.000-08:00

So today is my last day of working before the holidays!
I'm getting off early today - YEAH! Hubby's co-worker has invited he and I to a sit down dinner at his house for prime rib, cocktails, etc. and we are also going to a Christmas play. Not sure we can do both so we have to figure out which one to go to. I'm game either way. I think it would be fun to go to the work party, but I also love doing the Christmas play with the kids. Guess we will figure it out.
Any..way...over the holidays I have a long weekend off so I'm looking to start working on our revamping of the kitchen. This project is going to take some time to complete. I figure it will be January before it is all done since I want to take my time. I'm pretty excited about the project! I love doing this type of stuff!

Keep on Trucking...Got a life to live and so much to Accomplish!

2009-12-21T10:38:00.000-08:00

On this day, God wants you to know....
...that the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang the best. Do not wait; the time will never be 'just right'. Start where you are, work with whatever is at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along.
AMEN!!!!!!!!!! SO MUCH that I want to do and accomplish in my life. I must keep pressing forward and living. Can't get caught up in other's issues/drama anymore -- even my own!!! I can't move forward if I keep looking back to the emotional rollercoaster. My personal thing I need to keep reminding myself:
"I CANNOT MAKE ANYBODY DO ANYTHING. I CANNOT MAKE SOMEBODY AVOID OR NOT DO SOMETHING. I CANNOT CONTROL ANYONE. I CANNOT MAKE SOMEONE GET IT. ALL I CAN DO IS CONTROL ME. IF THEY DON'T SEE THE VALUE IN BEING RIGHTEOUS OR IN CHANGING FOR THE BETTER, THEN THAT IS ON THEM. NOT ME!!!"

Am I really able to let it go????

2009-12-20T07:50:00.000-08:00

Oh where do I begin? I'm sitting here listening to church because no one wanted to go. I've been trying to get us to go as a family for almost 2 months. I just decided to listen to it on my own. I can't make my husband want to go. It's crazy because he was the one that wanted to go before and it just stopped. But anyway...I'm taking care of me and my needs in that regard. Back to my creed - I can only change myself, not others.
Oh...so now as I listen to the music which usually feels so freeing, I'm freeing out my pain and just crying. Crying because there is so much I did not emotionally deal with in the past and now that I am dealing with the recent betrayal (without doing it back) I'm feeling every bit of pain and anger that I had buried so deep. I'm very outwardly focused in the fact that I am remembering the things that he did to me. I'm slow to remember the things that I did to him. I guess I'm on the watch to see if he has changed...I just want to know sooner than later and not allow him to hurt me like that again. I just don't trust him. Sometimes I just want to be alone. Sometimes I just want to run away. I don't know and I am so confused. I'm looking for answers that I know can only come by making a move. The move of either attempting to move forward or moving on alone. I think my biggest issue is that I don't let go of things, but the biggest thing of that is I don't take betrayal lightly. UGHHH I wonder if I will ever get past this???

My Daughter is blossoming...

2009-12-18T07:38:00.000-08:00

I had to post how my daughter is changing. She is in puberty and her body is developing into a young woman. In addition to that, she is also liking boys. But in the last two weeks...a new change has occured...she now gets ready on her own in her bathroom. But not like she did before...she is flat ironing her hair and listening to music while she gets ready. I totally see the tween emerging big time. She is 10, but she is growing up. She still likes her American Girl doll, but she also likes Justin Bieber?? lol
How much I love her is immeasurable.. : )

Feeling kinda blah....

2009-12-18T07:20:00.000-08:00

So I've been feeling pretty good lately up until the last few days. I'm still not 100% on the marriage front and from time to time that weighs on me. It's a journey to healing and a process, so there are days where I just feel "blah".
With that said, it has been an interesting week. An old flame sent me an email, which I totally deleted and ignored for obvious reasons. I also felt many highs and many lows. Highs??? Well I feel at times like I can do anything. Lows??? I feel the insecurity of not being naturally what my husband finds attractive - dark hair (I have) dark eyes (nope) and tan skin (fake tan). I also see he has thing for legs and short, shorts. Of course, only younger girls mainly wear them. The bottom line is that I am who I am and I want to be accepted and loved for that. He says he does and he loves me and I actually believe him, but I'm still hurt by his choice. Again...just still trying to heal.

A rocky morning...

2009-12-13T13:15:00.000-08:00

On this day God wants you to know...that pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Pain is the reaction of the body, and as long as you have the body, some pain is inevitable. Suffering is the contraction of the mind, and unlike pain, is optional. Don't add suffering to pain, - relax your mind and the suffering will pass.

Very interesting to get this message from God...I woke up this morning ready for church and my husband didn't want to go and I flew off the handle. I guess I am just looking for signs that he is not different to the point I am probably over sensitive to things that may just be normal. We haven't been to church in two months and I wanted to go. Needed to go (and will still get my church online today) I was highly disappointed that he didn't want to go. We ended up arguing, told him I wanted a divorce, and I ended up crying. He comforted me and we worked it out, but I still get triggers that set me off. I guess I am still healing and I stil have him under probation to see if he is a different man. Oh well...we shall see. The rest of the day has been fine. We talked normal stuff and watched our daughter play basketball. She had a good game. Now off to my son's game...

Vacation Day Christmas Shopping w/ Hubby

2009-12-10T13:09:00.000-08:00

Well...things have been very good for the last few days until I had a flash of thoughts last night that really messed with me. I didn't bring them up...I let them go, but I've been fighting them. Me and hubby had a great morning. Had good sex and then went Christmas shopping. We got the kids tons of stuff like a bike, a rib stick, a razor, PSP, and Dsi. This seriously has to be the most expensive Christmas we have had so far. We had lunch at a little cafe..I had ahi tuna and he had a burger. It was pretty nice. Now we are at home hiding gifts. I'm doing a bit of work and sipping a vodka-cranberry to wind down a bit. The kids will be home in a few from school. Overall, it has been a pretty good day so far.

Happiness...

2009-12-08T14:12:00.000-08:00

So the last couple of posts have focused on my tormented mind and how I felt and how God was trying to tell me what to do to find love and happiness...WELL GUESS WHAT...when you listen to God and do what he asks....amazingly, your world turns for the better. Things have been good the last 4 days. Hubby and I have really enjoyed each other's company and we are building a strong bond of love. I'm enjoying the time we spend cuddling and just watching tv. We had a great weekend and today...we made love this morning and then I came home for lunch and we had a "nooner" since he was off today. Overall, things are good. Feels good. God is LOVE!!!!!!!!!

Today's Message:

On this day, God wants you to know...
... that you are exactly where you are meant to be. Trust in God that everything is exactly the way it is supposed to be. Just as a child has to pass through a tiny channel on its way from the womb into life, so are you on your way to God. (AMEN!!!)

My New Creed...

2009-12-05T13:51:00.001-08:00

I haven't perfected it yet, but it goes a little something like this:

Every day that you wake, remember, you have only one life to live so grab it with both hands and do all that you can to make each day of your life the best it can be. Spend as much time with the people that you love and the ones that love you back!
Be bold, be courageous, and take risks in life. You are far more talented, smart, beautiful, and lovely than you think. Do everything that you have always wanted to do and never let anyone tell you that you can’t. God’s blessing are upon you! He will always protect you, love you, guide you, and he will never betray you.
Know that you can only change yourself for the better; you can influence others, but you cannot change them. If someone hurts you, that is their karma; how you react to them, that is yours. Men are never punished for their sins, but by them. Always be a blessing and do good because what you put into the lives of others, always comes back into your own.

2009-12-04T06:45:00.000-08:00

I'm praying to God that I can do the following:
Yesterday's Post from Him - On this day, God wants you to know...
... that everything that irritates you about others, is your key to understanding yourself. What angers you in another person is an unhealed aspect of yourself. If you had already resolved that particular issue, you would not be irritated by its reflection back to you. (Wow...so true. I got frustrated at my husband regarding something that I am not healed on yet!)

Today's Post from Him - On this day, God wants you to know...
... that your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and melt all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. God loves you with the very air you breath, the very light that touches your skin, the very ground that supports you. Love is everywhere, - melt your barriers, and you will have love in abundance. AMEN - My issues are my barrier!!! My pain is my barrier!

I AM HEARING YOU GOD! I JUST GOT TO MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!

A bad night last night..

2009-12-02T09:18:00.001-08:00

I got home from work, had a glass of wine, talked to my husband about his day and mine and then I eventually felt this need to vent every bit of anger that had been stirring up inside me. I let him have every thought I had about him and how I had felt about him. It felt good to get it off my chest, but of course, his reaction was to get upset at me. In the end, he told me he was sorry and that he loved me. I ended up falling asleep in bed with the kids while he was taking a shower. I woke up in the middle of the night, thirsty, so I went downstairs to get a glass of water. When I came up, I saw that he was sleeping in my son's bedroom. I debated if I should go lay with him. Instead, I went back into bed with the kids. I was just tired and I didn't want to confuse things by laying with him. So this morning he did kiss my head before he went to work and he asked why I didn't get in bed with him. He text me that he wasn't ready to sign them papers....I told him that I wasn't either. We haven't spoken on the phone about things yet. Right now, I'm throwing myself into my work so I don't think about it.... amazingly, God is right on time with what I need to hear. Bible verse today was my favorite "Love is patient, love is kind..." and below...another timely one.
On this day, God wants you to know...
... that there is no need to obsess over a decision. God has more in store for us then we can ever predict, and what we fear are bad choices frequently turn out for the best, because our hidden aspirations know better where we are going than our rational minds.

Listen to your Heart <3

2009-12-01T11:35:00.000-08:00

I found this on a web page. Such a good write up on listening to your heart:
http://www.wellsphere.com/happiness-article/what-is-your-heart-telling-you/36546

When it comes to the things we really want but are afraid of, we often seek the counsel of our heads. We often listen to that little voice that says things like, “You could never do that!” “Oh my, what if you fail? Or What if you succeed, then you will have to keep it up.” We listen to that voice until we find reason to not move forward with the things we want. While it is not always a bad thing to listen to our heads, in doing so we sometimes neglect what is truly in our hearts. For it’s in our hearts, that’s where the good stuff resides. Our hearts hold the answers and the support we need, we just have to have faith and we just have to listen. So I dare you to listen to your heart, what is it saying to you? Is it telling you to be bold? Is it telling you to love like you have never loved before? Is it telling you that you rock and are totally amazing? Be still and listen. I'm almost saddened by thought of where I might be today if I had not listened to my own heart and believed in its wisdom; chances are I would still be in a marriage that was not working for either of us. I might even still be playing it safe in a career that didn’t suit me, working for someone else and not following my own dreams. I may still be hiding in the shadows afraid to share my real self with the world, fearful that the real me would not be accepted. I’m glad I have taken chances. I am glad I have listened to my heart and I am thrilled with the results. So the next time you really want something, but are afraid to take the leap, ask your heart and listen carefully to what it tells you. You won't be sorry.

Thanksgiving...my first trip down South...

2009-12-01T05:49:00.001-08:00

Wow...it has been almost a week since I have been able to post. Well me, hubby, and the kids went down South for Thanksgiving. The day that we left, I felt my stomach churn because I was not looking forward to going to the place my husband had the affair and be around the family that knew the person he had the affair with. The details are still fuzzy as to whether they knew about it or not, but my guess is there was at least one that was clued in and the others may have had an idea...but I don't know. When I got down there, I did not ask any questions about it. I just let it be because I didn't want to cause myself anymore pain and honestly, they had long forgotten about it. I can't change the past and I know what happened...at least according to what I have been told by my husband. Ughhh. It's still a sore spot.
Anyway...everyone was nice and friendly and it slowly started to feel like it used to when I visited. I felt safe and comfortable. The only time I felt really bad is when we went to see his oldest sister and boyfriend and I felt my heart beat out of my chest at the anxiety of being around them along with everyone else. It was a scary feeling. I could feel her boyfriend's eyes on me. I was wondering if I was being compared to someone or being judged...it just wasn't a good feeling. I talked to his oldest sister and we chatted about tons of stuff, but then we talked about how we were having marriage problems and she said that we have been together so long that nothing is going to happen to us. I got to know a few of the people that were there and then we left. We spent the rest of the evening at his cousins house and had a great time. I could tell she had no clue because it didn't even come up and knowing her...she would have brought it up. She and I got our favorite bbq and we just hung out with everyone and the kids. The only other time I felt kinda bad was when his younger sister, who was friends with the girl, asked me my age. When I told her, she said she thought that I was younger. She also asked her brothers age. The girl he had an affair with was 23. 10 years younger than me. After that, we did go to visit my mother-in-law and we took her out to a very nice dinner at Red Lobster. She enjoyed it very much and it was good to see out of the rehabilitation center. I ended up giving her a bracelet and she and I had a good talk about things that were going on. She definitely thinks highly of her son (hubby) and she struggles to believe he was capable of the affair or at least the one that could have persued it. After that, we spent some more time with family and then the next morning we headed home. On the way home, I still felt the pain of the past, but I tried not to let it get to me too much. When we got home, we watched an NFL game and then hung out together. We had a pretty good day and I felt close to him. We talked about traveling, but he said the he didn't want to go anywhere together until I was in a better place. Made sense because I wouldn't want that to ruin a trip either. So now we are going about things for the most part. I just need to find a new counselor because I was not happy with the one we had.

Catching up and getting ready for Thanksgiving...

2009-11-25T05:23:00.000-08:00

WOW - I haven't blogged in days so I have soo much to catch up on. Sooo...things are going pretty good with hubby. We continue to work on the marriage and the triggers still come, but not as often. I did confront him one more time on the facts around my kids stay down south and I was told that everything was kosher and nothing was done in or around the presence of my children. The reason I asked is that I am heading to visit down south so I wanted to be sure of the facts before I go. I'm not really nervous about going to visit family. A lot has happened since things transpired, but I will see how it goes. I'm completely comfortable with who I am and where I am and I know God will take care of me. 110% FAITH!!!!!

Switching gears a tad...I got the following note from GOD today and I shared it with my husband. I think it is very fitting. It is amazing how these notes have been right on point!

On this day, God wants you to know...
... that a successful relationship requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. Always with the same person, but deeper and deeper every time. Each time on a whole new level you together open in love and discover the truth of your beloved anew. There is no limit to the beauty of your beloved. If yo...u think you've reached the end, stop generalizing.

Got to make a move...doubt is the rust of life...

2009-11-20T10:05:00.000-08:00

On this day, God wants you to know...
... that doubt is the rust of life. Doubt holds you landlocked in paralysis unable to move either way. The time you spent doubting is the time you are not alive. So, rid yourself of the doubt, take that step one way or another, your heart knows what is best, but take it right now.

OH I AM SO THERE!!! Wasn't it almost two weeks ago that I said I was going to make the decision to try to work on my marriage??? So why did I take steps back to that fork in the road again??? I'm staring down both paths listening for my heart to tell me the way to go:

Path 1 - Stay
To stay, means to work on my marriage, forgive my husband, let go of the past, and move forward. Staying means I also have to accept the possibility that I could be cheated on again. I could get hurt again. It means I have to accept his faults along with the good. It also means I am giving my kids a chance at thier parents staying together. It means that the person that I have grown to love and trust (in some ways still) could remain in my life.

Path 2 - Go
To go, means to walk away from 15 years of marriage, forgive my husband, let go of the past, but move on alone. It means that I don't have the possibility of him cheating on me again. It means that he won't be the one that can hurt me in that way again. It means that I now have to live with his faults as an ex-husband. It means my kids will likely have step parents, step siblings at some point. It means the person that I have spent many years with will continue to be in my life, but in a different capacity.

So...now I have to listen to my heart and make a decision. The problem is that my head is telling me to just go, start over, find someone better, and there has been enough drama between us. My head is also telling me to give it a chance because I never really did. But my heart?????? Wow I am going to have to open it up and listen. I'm ready for it to speak loudly.

Mom's Broken Heart...Counseling Today

2009-11-19T05:52:00.000-08:00

Ah...well...the day started off normal. Typical work day. Text hubby a few times. Our backboard for our basketball goal arrived at the house. Didn't hear from hubby much in the afternoon or after he got off work. Was a bit disappointed that he didn't call. He is hanging out in the living room on the phone watching for the kids to come home again.
When I arrive home, we have a decent conversation, but I realize that he is in denial about things that happened in the past. Or at least he remembers things differently. We head to counseling and it starts out OK. We are talking, I am being open to our counselor, listening to what she says, and then into the conversation I start to feel like I am being attacked. I probably wasn't, but I feel like she is looking for me to fix the situation when there are two people involved here. I was frustrated, hurt, and angry so I stormed out of the room stating that I couldn't do this anymore, I didn't want to be married, and I walked out of the office and down the street. I was just DONE at that point. My husband didn't say anything really bad, but I just was done dealing with the situation. Working on a marriage is HARD. Very HARD when it is as messy as ours is. So I ended up coming back and talking for a minute and the end result is that I am just confused. My husband didn't say much. I have no idea what he is thinking. My counselor asked if we wanted to reschedule and Larry said we would call her. At this point, I don't want to go back to her again. She isn't working for me and I feel bad every time I am there.
When we got home, we didn't really talk much. He decided to go to the store and he kissed me before he left. This morning, he did cuddle with me a bit. I accepted his cuddling and allowed him to kiss me before he left for work. He did call this morning to make sure I made it to work.
The bottom line is that we both love each other. The question is whether we are able to piece together our marriage and make it strong. My heart is still broken from what happened, but I feel there is something good that could come out of this situation. It honestly depends on how much we are willing to change, be honest, and believe in each other. I can't predict the future and right now, I can't even explain the state of our marriage. I just know that we are married.

My daughters broken heart...

2009-11-18T05:34:00.000-08:00

Ok...so Tuesday was a normal day for the most part. Work was fine...hubby text a couple of times, but it sounds like he was having a bad day. I was supposed to go to the dentist in the evening, but decided to move my appointment because it was raining and yucky outside and I just wanted to go home and snuggle under a blanket. : ) Sooo...hubby called me on my way home and told me how his day went...his co-boss was being difficult and she was feeling disrespected over an incident that occurred. Got home and after talking, he came up and kissed me. We ate dinner. Then my daugther asked me to go upstairs to watch TV and talk to her. While I was doing that, hubby and my son went to the basement to play video games.
Now to my daughter...well she wanted to talk about this boy she likes a lot. He goes to a different school and I am not sure he even knows her. Well my daughter asked me to text someone to find out if he had a girlfriend. Turned out he didn't, but he liked someone at his school. My daughter was heart broken...I felt so bad for her. She cried (not balled) but cried. It was the first time her feelings were hurt in that way. It was hard to see her go through it. She is beautiful and will definitely find a guy she like and he will like her back. So she and I hung tight that night and I ended up sleeping with her. My husband slept with my son. Hubby told me he woke up in the middle of the night and ended up going to sleep in our bed. I woke up and got in our bed around the time he was getting ready for work. He kissed me and went to work. Daughter seemed much better today so far.

Made it through Monday with only 1 Incident...

2009-11-17T06:31:00.000-08:00

Ok so Monday's (as said) seem to be tough on me...but I did make it through with only 1 incident....
When I got home from work, me and hubby hung out together on the couch and watched highlights of our NFL teams big win. We held hands and it was ggrrreat! Hubby then went and picked up dinner for us and then we all ate and continued to watch highlights. Afterwards, I ran an errand and when I came back, I got that distrust feeling when I walked in the door and I immediately went to him and frisked him for his phone. He said he had fell asleep on the couch...it just felt strange. This is where I start to doubt myself...am I paranoid because of recent events??? Or is there a legitiment feeling of distrust. Ugggh. This is where it gets sticky. Sooo...his response back to me was to frisk me. He wasn't happy about it, but we kinda let it go. Then we went to bed. Next morning, hubby called to wake me and he had not forgot about the frisking incident. He said he was angry about it and then he started to semi pick a fight and bring up something from my past. At that point I changed the subject. This made me think...will we ever be able to let the past go??? Or will it always linger there for us to pick and throw in each other's face??? I know we can't go forward if we continue to sling mud. Sooooo....I continued to let it go. We talked a few more times this morning and we are alright.
I also got a post today "from God" that said the following:
On this day, God wants you to know...
... that tonight you can turn your worries to God, and have a good night's sleep. You've been worrying too much about the future lately. So tonight, go ahead, put your faith in God, and just have a peaceful evening and a restful sleep.
Ahhh...how I love God!!! I am going to turn it over to him (for the millionth time) Guess I'm always afraid of missing his signs. :)

The Monday blues...

2009-11-16T10:39:00.000-08:00

Why is that after every great weekend, I start out Monday with the blues???? Is it because my husband and I are apart and I have no idea who he could be calling or emailing from work??? I think that is it. Otherwise, I am getting better. Oh well...guess that's just part of the process of building up trust. The uncertain times...and how to cope with them.
Anyway...I have a counseling appointment this week and I'm looking forward to it. I really want to understand what we want in each other. Not sure if we should be focusing on how to prevent the issues from the past from occuring again or how to create a good future??? Or both. Hoping my counselor will be assertive enough to let me know. I get the impression that she doesn't like me. We shall see.
On another note...I think I actually do not have to go anywhere tonight. How great is that???? Gonna enjoy the family. Gotta build, not destroy!!!

A wonderful weekend...

2009-11-15T17:53:00.000-08:00

So...my husband came home from his all day meeting and had a certification to prove it (along with notes and agenda, etc) so I felt better. : ) Even though he text me the entire time. Still learning to trust.
My daughter had a great weekend...she played b-ball on select for the first time and held her own. She also did a cheer competition and was awesome...she was soo beautiful and her facials were fantastic! The team had the best dance out of the competition...the crowd loved it. Saturday night, had friends over (that also had went to her b-ball game), ate pizza, and had a few drinks too. Finally on Sunday, our NFL team won! Just a great weekend.

GOD IS TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!!

2009-11-14T06:17:00.000-08:00

Ok I'm listening God!
God wants me to know...that nothing is exciting if you know what the outcome is going to be. You keep wanting to know how things will play out, keep asking to see the future. God doesn't give anyone the power to know the future, because life becomes maddeningly boring when you know everything upfront. So, instead of struggling, enjoy the uncertainty - to be alive means to not know.
He also wants me to know...... that you are asked for very little, - just the totality of your being. God demands the totality of your being. That you invest all of yourSelf into celebrating the glory and the preciousness of being alive right now, no holding back and saving for later.

Trust is sooo hard to come by once broken...

2009-11-14T05:55:00.000-08:00

Ah...so last night I took my daughter to a school carnival while my husband took my son to a basketball practice. Afterwards, we came home, had dinner, and watched a movie. The movie had scenes of divorce and made me think what it would be like if my husband and I were divorced. The thoughts were not that good. I let my thoughts go and hubby and I hung out on the couch while my son fell asleep on my chest (as big as he is...lol) Then he and I went to bed and we eventually had sex. Definitely the pleasurable kind (can't recall the last time we just made love). He told me that he is in love with me and I listened, but my heart was not quite believing it 100%. I 'm so guarded.
This morning, Saturday, my husband had a company meeting to review results etc. This is done on Saturday since he works as a Manager in a field where they cannot really meet until evenings and weeekends. He is there right now, but part of my still feels doubt. He called me as he was walking into the meeting and I heard the people walking in, but I still just don't have that trust. And WOW is trust sooo important in a relationship. Without it, there is doubt and there is a lack of freedom. To trust someone, you feel free to JUST BE! I mean, you can go shopping with your mom and not spend time wondering what could possibly be happening behind your back. With trust, you are able to be so close and intimate with your husband and know that person has your back and would die for you -- I SOOOO miss trust! I wonder if I will ever be able to have it with him again. My counselor told me that trust is the single most important thing in a relationship...it is the foundation of marriage. When broken, the marriage is on shaky ground. She also told me that lies cause us to distrust our own instincts and perception. When you suspect someone is cheating (for example) and you have the instinct and clues that suggest such a thing...and your husband lies to you about it, you start to doubt your own perception of reality. She said this is one of the most damaging things. This is why it is sooo important not to lie to kids...when kids are lied to, they doubt their own perception of reality...which in turn...causes their perception to be altered.
Anyway...cheating and lying just KILL sooo many things. I know that I cannot accept either in my life anymore. I have caused these same problems in the past, but now my karma is clean and I can fully feel that I can walk away without any regrets if I need to. NOW - I struggle with trust and resentment and will I be able to have a healthy marriage with my husband at some point??? I am giving it some time, but I'm just not over it...yet.

Thursday, November 13 - Cheer Awards Banquet

2009-11-13T10:44:00.001-08:00

My daughter had her cheer awards banquet tonight. Everything was great. The girls performed thier half time dance and it looked good. They are competing this Sunday. My son had a blast too. Both of them are growing up sooo fast! Overall, hubby and I got along tonight. I ended up falling asleep early...I was soo tired after the banquet. He said he went to sleep about 1:30.

Wednesday, November 12 - Day started ok...BUT

2009-11-12T05:31:00.000-08:00

Well the day started normal...got the kids ready, went to work, had a good lunch, and then went home. In the evening, my husband and I had a counseling appointment. Counseling appointments always bring out the bad in our marriage so as you can imagine the evening was not that fun. In counseling, we talked about our history and started to bring up why we did the things that we did to hurt each other. Counselor thinks my husband has issues with fidelity due to his childhood and impression his father left upon him. We agreed that was part of it...but I started reeling again and wondering if I could move forward with someone that has had a problem with fidelity in the past. With this said, I had a problem with fidelity too, but my was more a reaction to what he was doing. So....we didn't really get anywhere in the session and on the way home I cried. I am feeling pretty lost on what to do. The counselor did tell me that I have a problem letting go and this IS TOTALLY true. I guess I feel if I let go, then I am opening the door to this possibly happening again. I guess the question I have got to ask myself is am I really ready to let go??? Am I able to forgive??? Do I want to move forward with him??? I just asked myself these questions a few days ago and made the decision to try to work it out. I guess when things get brought back up then I started to second guess myself.

Tuesday, November 11 - Work Team Building FUN

2009-11-11T07:01:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, turned out to be a good day. I definitely felt my mojo coming back! I got up went to work and did a 1/2 day and then went to a team building exercise (with co-workers) for the afternoon. We went to a japanese hibachi, had sushi, lechey fruit martinis, saki, and of course the hibachi food. We looked at pics of all of us when we were kids and it was HILARIOUS. After that, we went bowling and drank beer. Gave gag gifts and prizes that were too funny. After that, I went home with my fake mustache, two paper clip necklaces for "best story" and "worst bowling team" and shared my day with hubby and the kids. The mood in the house was GREAT! We ate dinner...hubby made baked chicken, mac n cheese, green beans, and rolls. Afterwards, he and I cuddled on the couch and ate two hostess cupcakes and split an ice cream..immediately...we both fell into a food/sugar coma and slept for a good 1-2 hours...lol The kids played DS while we slept. We woke up, got the kids in bed and went to sleep. Overall a great day!

Today was a good day...

2009-11-09T19:48:00.000-08:00

Overall a great day! Woke up, got ready for the day. Headed out the door and off to work. Work was productive, yet laid back. Had a great lunch with two co-worker friends where we joked about our men and sex..lol Hubby called to say whats up. He was two people down at work, but his day turned out to not be so bad either. Got home, spent some quality time with the family for a few, ate some left overs, and then headed out to coach cheer. Cheer practice went ok, girls are prepping for a competition. Then got home, relaxed, watched some more NFL highlights and then put the kids to bed while hubby went to hang with his fellow youth football coaches for Monday night football. Now I'm relaxing in bed watch the game and ready to drift to sleep. GN

November 6, 7, 8 - How I am doing...

2009-11-09T05:55:00.000-08:00

Well...Friday when I got home I still felt the sting of the past and definitely showed it in my attitude. I wasn't quite ready to start the weekend right. It also did not help that the basketball goal that was being installed had a shattered backboard so we weren't going to have it this weekend. The kids went to mamaws to spend the night. That night, I did become overwhelmed with emotion and talked to my husband about it. We had a good talk, but I was careful not to let it go too far because I am not a counselor. He is growing impatient with our discussions, but that is the consequence of this type of action. So after our talk and my "episode"...I asked him to sit beside me and he did. We cuddled and then fell asleep on the couch. The next day, Saturday, when I woke up, I was still reeling with some emotion. I expected us to at least make love in the morning, but instead we cuddled and then he got up to shave and shower. I was disappointed so I got up, changed the sheets, and made our bed. Then I went to look out the window and he came over and held me in his arms. I guess he realized I wasn't happy. I told him my disappointment and he said he didn't want to do anything because he had not showered in two days. Totally understood. So after that, we did make love and it was great. We then got the kids and hung out all day. Hubby invited the parents and they came over for a steak dinner and it was yummy. After that, we went to bed. The next day, we got up early and got ready to go to an NFL game and dropped the kids at my parents house. Before we went to the game, we stopped at a restaurant and got a bite to eat. In the restaurant there was an attractive woman and I just knew he would check her out. He glanced her way, but not much. But it was enough to throw me into an emotional spiral even though he wasn't disrespectful...it's just the sensitivity I have right now. Afterwards, we went past an old place he worked and that just hightened my emotions. I am super sensitive sometimes. In all fairness, he wasn't doing anything wrong...I'm just not over things yet. Soo...after that we headed to the game and had a great time. We let loose and he was very loving. He held my hand, put his arm around me, etc. We then left the game and headed to an awards banquet for my son. At the banquet, we had a good time. Then we came home watched football highlights and then went to bed. At some point in the middle of the night, I woke up and he was flipping channels where he stuck on skinemax for a little bit longer than I liked...and he flipped it when he realized I had woken up. I then told him that I don't want to be the police. We talked a bit and then he told me he had gotten sick (acid reflux) and then had two bad dreams. 1. I can't recall. 2. I had cheated with an NFL player. (Go figure) After that, we cuddled and fell back asleep.
I know some of this is of no interest to other people, but it helps me see what happens day to day so I can work through things in my life. : )
Here is what I got off facebook today...very interesting:

God wants her to know...
... that decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step. You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than step ...forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times.

Finding Peace in Chaos and Confusion

2009-11-06T07:03:00.000-08:00

Ok...so we all have a choice. In my situation, my choice is to stay or go. 1/2 of me wants to go and 1/2 of me wants to stay. Nix that, a bigger part wants to stay. So if I am staying...then I have got to commit to staying and quit teetering on the thought of leaving...right? Can't go down two roads at the same time...you'll be stuck at the fork in the road forever!!! So that's it...I'm going to stay and I'm going to try. THAT IS MY FINAL DECISION. If something shows me to switch roads, I will do it. But you can't keep wondering which way to go for the rest of your life.
SO NOW...I am going to stay and work on it. I feel better. Now what??? Well, gotta stay in counseling, obbviously, we have some "issues". Two people repeatedly cheating = problem(s)!!!!!
My individual counselor told me two days ago that we have intimacy issues. We are afraid to fully be vulnerable to each other. When we do and get rejected, we go outside the marriage for intimacy (not just the sexual kind either, but emotional too). So now I gotta open up my heart, which has a wall around it. I also have got to stop overreacting to things. Ok...so how do I do these two things:
1. Opening my heart - I'm going to have to give love. Period. Just gotta do it. In the bible it says things done without love mean nothing. Gotta love again. Gotta take that chance.
2. Overrreating - There are triggers that get me feeling bad. When they happen, I am almost paralyzed by my emotions and I am a totally different person. I need help controlling my reaction to triggers and I need my husband to understand how he can help me through them...even when he is the target of the pain. This one...will be tricky.
****So while I'm on the list making track...let's add to this list other ways to help rebuild our marriage.****
3. Honesty - Gotta have it. If it is something from the past that either of you don't want to discuss, simply say "I am not comfortable talking about that". I am learning that not every stone is unturned in both of our pasts. When we try to uncover things, we just end up getting hurt by them when they are done and gone.
4. Let the Past be Just That - This is very hard. Past behavior tends to be an indication of future behavior. The part they left out is that people can change. I know I have! Now I am trying to give someone a chance to show that they have. The key here is only judge them on present actions!!!!
5. Good Times - To build it up again, you gotta create positive experiences. You need to have more good times than bad. They say it take 3 good things to make up for one bad thing. I've also heard this called an emotional bank account. Be sure you are making more deposits than withdrawals!
6. Respect - You must respect each other!!! Don't checkout the hot looking guy walking down the street. Don't stare at the woman with the big breasts. Forego the flirting! No opposite sex friends for a while - and if you do, none that you find attractive!!!
7. Transparency - Gotta have it. If you have nothing to hide, this is NOT an issue. If you have something to hide, it's a TOTAL issue. So far, hubby is pretty transparent. He does feel an invasion on his privacy and a bit like a kid with mom watching over him, but that's the consequence of breaking trust. He doesn't have to stay and work it out. He is making the choice to do so and there is consequences to all actions.

This is my list for now. I'm going to blog on how things go each day. Let's see how well we are able to follow these things starting right now!

My first blog...

2009-11-06T05:38:00.000-08:00

Ok so this is my very first blog. I've decided to create one to journal my life. I've labeled myself a broken housewife because I recently went through a painful situation where my husband had an affair. With that said, I am not innocent here because I too had an affair in the past. In fact, our marriage is littered with them. At this point, we're trying to decide do we want a REAL marriage or is the damage too far gone???? We have been together 15 years and have two children. Great house, great jobs, overall a great life. Now...at age 33...I'm picking up the pieces and trying to see if we can put it back together correctly cuz quite frankly...it was never put together in the first place. There is love between us and the opportunity to have something great...but has our past hurts pushed us too far beyond repair??? Well....that is what I am going to find out.
At this point, we are back in marriage counseling and attending church semi-regularly. We are trying to make time for each other to build our marriage. However, my issue is forgetting the past so I can truly move forward in the relationship and give it 100%. Right now, I have a serious wall around my heart. I'm putting my toe in the water to check the temperature every single day. I don't want to go full force and get hurt again...yah know? But I realize that he starts to hold back if he senses I'm not really trying so it is a double-edged sword. The other thing I fail to remember is the hurt and pain I have caused. I know that I have changed, but the part I'm trying to figure out is if HE has changed. Everything indicates yes, but it's very hard to trust once trust is broken. Building it again is the only thing you can do, but the reality...is that this IS hard. It takes many more truths to forget a lie.